Maybe I am being too sensitive but it does get to me when others try to define me based on who I'm married to. Just because my husband is white aka Mat Saleh aka Angmoh aka Farang aka Bule aka Gaijin aka Gora, does that mean:
1) I've made it in life?
2) I am now financially loaded?
3) I've lost and forgotten my own ethnic roots/religion practices?
4) I am now defined by my husband's family name?
5) I am above others who chose to marry someone of the same race?
The answer to all of the above is NO.
I've made it in life because my parents brought me up well. I've married for love; not to escape or because I had to. I've lived with my choices both good and bad.
Financially, we are stable. The luxury of not having to work is a blessing. It allows me to travel with my husband whose job requires him to be away for weeks sometimes. With no kids yet, we are able to still travel the world while we can afford it. However, we still haven't saved enough for a home.
I have not forgotten my ethnic roots and religious practices. I still speak using my mother tongue. My English still hasn't got a slang/twang to it. However, I do tend to speak slower and proper English when talking to other nationalities because Singlish is so not understood by others except Singaporeans. I try to fulfill the religious needs when possible. Festivities of both cultures are celebrated with the same amount of enthusiasm.
The choice to include and use my husband's family name is based on necessity not because I wanted a more glamourous sounding name or to announce to the world that I'm married to an angmoh. It makes dealing with banks, government bodies, airlines, etc, on behalf of your spouse easier when you have the surname stated in the ID. In some countries, an Asian girl checking into a hotel room with a white man always attract initial negative attention/treatment/innuendos, no matter how well dressed you are. As soon as they saw the Mrs Stallard, on my passport, their attitude changed. Instant polite treatment that every guest should get whether they are white or yellow or black. In the middle east, it saves us the trouble of carrying a copy of our marriage certificate. Because if they decide to use the syariah law, if we have no proof we are a married couple, we can be charged with adultery.
Using my husband's surname doesn't make me into a Caucasian and certainly doesn't put my status above others who didn't marry one. I am still me, only a little bit wiser and grown up.
Of course, can't avoid attracting negative comments from others. However, I do expect the close circle to not judge me as per above list.
Anyway, the girls who only/used to date ONLY Caucasians are now:
1) truly in love and married one;
2) still looking for one;
3) no longer looking for one but instead looking for THE ONE (not caring whether white/black/brown anymore);
4) not married to one but instead fell in love and got married to someone of the same ethnicity/religion (dah jodoh);
5) not married to one but to someone/anyone because they didn't want to be unmarried when they turned 30.
6) not married to one because suddenly they realized that the responsibility of marrying a convert is huge since they are not pious to begin with. Therefore marrying someone born of the same religion as them is a better choice even if it means moving somewhere and doing a job they have no passion for.
To the above girls, those choices were made because they know what they want and know what makes them happy. Good for them.
What I don't understand are those who are in situation 4, 5 & 6, throwing out bitter comments, sarcasms and poking fun at situation 1. You made the choice, live with it. If making fun of others and classifying them into categories, make you less bitter about your situation or a better person then so be it. Hope it adds joy and happiness to your self loathing and misery.....
